she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
