He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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