mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize