im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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