God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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