I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
