Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
