You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
