She is in my trunk
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
