he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
