this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
