I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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