I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
