U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
