'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
