are you so shy because you have an std?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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