In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
