Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
