im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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