"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
