If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
