So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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