So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize