If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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