Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
