Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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