lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
