today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
