Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
