Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
