I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
