problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
