you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
