I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
