so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
