end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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