when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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