I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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