True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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