I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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