if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize