is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
