Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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