He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
