Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize