If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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