I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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