I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
