I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
