My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
