Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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