Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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