So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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