woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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