dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
