Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
