While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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