is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
