I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
