After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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