I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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