Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
