Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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