So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Verdict: uncircumcised.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
