Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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